Right now, I feel like a hamster on a wheel in pretty much all aspects of my life, and I’m wracking my brain to try to figure out how to break through it.
– weight loss is hindered by the loss of kayaking, being tired in the evenings, etc
– my job is eating away at me, but I’m back at square one, wondering if it’s going to be another 2.5 yrs before I find something else.  I was so close, and it vanished like Keyser Soze
– I’ve quit eating out at lunch, only getting coffee once a month, tried to streamline groceries, and I still feel like I’m fucked financially, getting nowhere
– my knee is giving me problems and I don’t know the origin; the other knee is starting to be affected now, as well, and it’s frustrating

I know that having teenagers/kids in college kind of freezes your life/bank accounts for several years, but it’s just frustrating when I feel like I’m busting my ass trying to do the -right- things every goddamn day, and I get absolutely nowhere.

I do think something hiccuped hormonally over the past several days; my appetite spiked and then dropped, I had a lot of generic leg pain (something I used to have when I was PMS’ing), and I’m pretty down and teary.  But I guess the overall feeling that my life is pointless and stagnant is taking its toll on me a lot more than I realized.

I hatehatehate having a “fuck it” or “don’t give a shit” attitude about my job.  I got into education because I do care.  That has been slowly sucked out of me by bureaucratic bullshit, egomaniacal ostriches in power (they run and attack to get what they want personally, and then bury their heads in the sand – lather, rinse, repeat).

For now, I’m back on the theme song I couldn’t shake at the beginning of this year (Spirit of a Storm).

Fuck it.