Tag Archive: chaos
So, as my recent posts so clearly illustrate, my life is in a bit of a shambles. It happens, and I’m really no different than anyone else.
But I started to look around and think, “Huh. Which problem do I stress over first?”
The possibilities were numerous, of course; the priority for my stress attention shifts as fast as a teenager’s love life. Should it be my kid, my mom, my job, the oil spill in the Gulf, gay marriage, the next presidential candidate, the plight of the purple tailed wombat…? Too many options!
Unfortunately, while each of these potential stressors represents a red slot on a roulette wheel, the ubiquitous black slots are just as important. See, the black slots are the sources of guilt. Everything from “you’re not doing enough for your mom” to “you failed miserably in teaching and guiding your kid” and “you should be working harder to meet work deadlines.” Throw in not reading enough on politics and current events, not doing any volunteer work, or having my gardens looking how I wanted them this year, and you’ve got one hell of a game.
“Step right up, Ladies and Gents! Place your bets, c’mon and play! Everyone’s a winner in this one! See where Mick finally loses her mind completely…”
I kind of felt like everything was spinning out of control this week, and so I tried to come up with a better way. I can’t fix the issues. And I can’t completely alleviate the guilt. But I can take more of a triage approach to it. First thing is to try to keep my own physical strength solid. I’m watching what goes in my mouth, back into working out, trying to get more sleep. Then I figured I’m going to sit back and just handle stuff as it comes. Whichever stressor jumps to the front of the line at any given moment will be dealt with, and then I’ll move on. I can only do so much without burning out completely, so this might (hopefully) make things more managable.
“But Mick, what about the guilt? Those black slots are just as prevalent as the red, you know.”
Very true. And that is a problem that I’ve been struggling with for a long time. V (therapist) says I take on too much guilt. And maybe she’s right. But unraveling years of tightly woven cloth is not done in any short chunk of time. So I will start with shifting the mirrors. Instead of taking feedback from just anyone, and really, even myself sometimes, I’m going to reserve that for the few people I truly trust. If I bring a situation to one of them, and get “what the hell were you thinking?” back, I know there’s an issue. But where I may beat myself up for something, they may well tell me to chill out. We’ll see how it goes.
In the meantime, I really need to find a game with better odds. This one is bleeding me dry!
I’m not sure what I was smoking when I thought that July would be a mellow month for me. What a dumbass move that was.
Work went ballistic, with our deadline getting not only jacked but then exacerbated by various people going on vacation. Excellent. I’m kinda mostly dealing with that.
Had a family situation that really rocked our world, but I can’t discuss it here due to some privacy concerns involving other people. Suffice it to say that our family’s world kinda slipped off its axis temporarily. It’s resetting, as I knew it would, but it will take some time before it’s completely back where it needs to be.
But the worst part really came out of left field. My mom was working on getting her spinal surgery scheduled. Doing my share of helping out with recovery was not a problem; I don’t mind at all, and I can work my schedule pretty easily. The mess in her vertebrae turned out to be worse than we all thought, so she had to see a new super-specialist. OK, fine. Super specialist sees her and sets a new date, but it’s considerably later than the original date, and she is in some serious pain. As my worry increased (along with my sister’s), Mom’s pain level and depression did too.
Then Mom’s regular doctor called with her CT scan results. 2 more nodules on her right lung, and they “don’t look good.” Shit. So for certainty’s sake, a needle biopsy would be done, but everyone pretty well knows that the C word has crashed into our worlds once again. Mom’s doc wanted the biopsy done right away, but Mom was in too much pain. She needed that spinal stuff done first, and while we weren’t ecstatic, we did understand. But an appointment with a pulmonologist was put on the docket anyhow, and we figured we would go from there.
Of course, it wasn’t destined to go smoothly. The pulmonologist took one look at the CT and scrapped the idea of a needle biopsy completely. He is apparently concerned enough that he feels the nodules needs to be excised entirely. And the date scheduled? The exact same day as the spinal surgery. And the neurosurgeon? Will not touch her until the biopsy is done, and if it is cancer, as we all basically know it is, he won’t do the surgery at all.
Um. Excuse me? My mother is in excruciating pain, having issues with numbness and balance, and then after having to deal with chemo, you’re going to deny her the healing surgery she needs? You have got to be shitting me. I am stunned, pissed off, and just beyond frustrated.
And really, I am emotionally just kinda done.
I really hadn’t planned on ever seeing this view again:
Duke University Chapel, as seen from the cancer wing at the hospital.
PANIC!
OK, maybe not. Well, yeah, maybe.
First, I’ll start with a quick brag. I’ve been fighting my weight for as long as I can remember, and will probably always see it as an adversary. However, as slow as it is for me to lose weight, I am at my lowest number in 12 years. I’m kinda stoked about that, really, and it’s given me the motivation to keep going, despite getting discouraged and jealous when my friends can do so much more physically than I can.
But ok, let’s get back to panicking. It is now May 4th. Barely into the first week, and my schedule has exploded into the realm of Alice’s white rabbit. Most times, I’m either swamped at work and mellow at home or vice versa. Not so much this time! So I need to kind of write it out, and get a sense of the whole picture so I can organize and plan to get everything done.
We’ll start with Home, because that’s the most important. My huge, massive priority is the Professor’s solo dress for her Feis on June 5th. We’ve hit the point of “seriously screwed” if I don’t start it NOW, and I know it. I should’ve done it long ago, but wsa so intimidated that I made every excuse not to get going on it. But now? Now there’s no time for intimidation. Now I’m at the point where I get my shit together and get it done, because the alternative is to let her down, which I Will. Not. Do. That is simply not an acceptable option. So the cutting table gets cleared off this evening when I get home from the Ambassador’s soccer practice, and the math will follow.
Also at home, I have the Ambassador’s soccer season extended (see my rant two posts ago). The Scientist is stuck trekking all the way to East Podunk for a tournament that none of the parents wanted to attend in the first place because I am out of town that weekend. I’m home the weekend before and after, but those will be dedicated to The Dress until it’s done. Then we have a tournament in town, which will be easy travel. 30 minutes from the house? No problem. I need to remember to make sure that I give the Scientist one of those travel laundry things before I leave so the Ambassador can wash his uniform between tournament days. I am not one for cheap advertising or product placement, but as a sports Mom, I have to admit to fully endorsing this one. It has made my life so much easier on Feis weekend, tournament weekends, whatever. One sheet, in the washer, then the dryer, and voila, clean clothes. Lovelovelove.
Aaaanyhow, where was I? Oh, right. Home stuff. The Artist got screwed on her softball season because not enough girls registered, and she’s aged out of the other local league, but I’ll admit that the recovered time isn’t something I’d turn away. I think she should look into an intramural league of adults or something, whether it’s local or on campus.
Speaking of campus, the Professor has chosen one. She will be a Spartan this fall, double majoring in math and hotel management. Woo! She’ll live on campus, but it’s local enough that she can hang out with us on the weekend, attend her brother’s soccer games, have real food, do her laundry, whatever. Another cool thing was that she was honored at her community college with a really neat invitation to Phi Theta Kappa. We were so proud of her! So we’ll be working on getting her stuff ready and in place, before we start the process of outfitting a dorm room.
Then we move on to work. I do realize that my faithful readers have pretty much no idea what any of this means, but honestly, this is really just about me trying to see everything “down on paper” so I can work out a manageable schedule. Translation — you don’t need to understand it, I do.
– Need 30 Experimental Sections over 2 grades for this year — approximately 40-50% of these are started or in place. This is for the 10-11 test cycle, so it needs to be pretty much done by Thanksgiving, Christmas at the absolute latest.
– Need to create 2 Item Tryout forms for X2 Grades 6/7 , each with 1 of each genre, 8 items per. These should be ready to place by Labor Day, ideally. Approximately 80% are started or in place, I think, but it could actually be more. Check on this and create a spreadsheet.
– Need 120+ new selections *per grade* found and reviewed, and started with items for the new generation test cycle. 12 individual field test forms prepped as soon as possible.
– Need 30 new X2 selections per grade found and reviewed, and started with items for the new generation test cycle. 5 individual field test forms prepped as soon as possible.
Nooooooo problem. Right? Right? Shit, still hearing crickets.
All I can say is “thank god for Kh.” She and I had a spontaneous bitch session tonight, and while it doesn’t solve everything, it did take the edge off. There is something about being able to tell her what was going through my head at the moment, the frustrations that I was feeling about where my emotions were, and to let go of the guilt that those emotions brought up. Not only was she in the same mental place at the time, so she understands exactly what I’m feeling, but the catharsis was so helpful. It definitely helped me to at least start the process of clearing out my head.
I told T the other night that lately my soul feels as atrophied as my knee. It sounds trite, I know. But somehow it fits. It’s like when you go too long being a couch potato and eating a cruddy diet, and your whole system feels sluggish and weighted; that’s how I feel spiritually. I need to fix this, and it needs to be sooner rather than later. I started with downing more water, doing some stretching and some core work last night, dragging my mind back into meditation, and eating better at work today — it’s not much, but you gotta start somewhere.
This weekend is supposed to have perfect weather, and while I have got to get my tail in gear to do the Professor’s dress for her Feis in June, the kayak is calling. I am craving that time alone like a junkie craves crack. Above all of the other things I need to do for my own emotional health, that is priority one. It’s cheap therapy — $8 gets me 4 hours on the lake to ponder the world, listen to music, take pics of heron and deer, and use the water to either glide along in peace, or cut it like a knife with as much power and aggression as I can exert. There is nothing like that time for me, and it has been way too long since I’ve had it.
I do need to lay out a more tangible plan and get myself back on track; I am cognizant of this. However, it’s going to have to wait for a few days. Today was one of those 13.5hr days, and tomorrow will be longer. The Ambassador had practice tonight and will tomorrow, but after I drop him off tomorrow, I will be driving three hours west to crash at a hotel. Then tomorrow, I’ll do state assessment audits, and turn around and drive home. Thursday is work again, of course, and then we’re meeting with V. Friday is work and … well hell. There’s something going on Friday night, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. Ah well, I’ll figure it out eventually, right?
