All I can say is “thank god for Kh.” She and I had a spontaneous bitch session tonight, and while it doesn’t solve everything, it did take the edge off. There is something about being able to tell her what was going through my head at the moment, the frustrations that I was feeling about where my emotions were, and to let go of the guilt that those emotions brought up. Not only was she in the same mental place at the time, so she understands exactly what I’m feeling, but the catharsis was so helpful. It definitely helped me to at least start the process of clearing out my head.
I told T the other night that lately my soul feels as atrophied as my knee. It sounds trite, I know. But somehow it fits. It’s like when you go too long being a couch potato and eating a cruddy diet, and your whole system feels sluggish and weighted; that’s how I feel spiritually. I need to fix this, and it needs to be sooner rather than later. I started with downing more water, doing some stretching and some core work last night, dragging my mind back into meditation, and eating better at work today — it’s not much, but you gotta start somewhere.
This weekend is supposed to have perfect weather, and while I have got to get my tail in gear to do the Professor’s dress for her Feis in June, the kayak is calling. I am craving that time alone like a junkie craves crack. Above all of the other things I need to do for my own emotional health, that is priority one. It’s cheap therapy — $8 gets me 4 hours on the lake to ponder the world, listen to music, take pics of heron and deer, and use the water to either glide along in peace, or cut it like a knife with as much power and aggression as I can exert. There is nothing like that time for me, and it has been way too long since I’ve had it.
I do need to lay out a more tangible plan and get myself back on track; I am cognizant of this. However, it’s going to have to wait for a few days. Today was one of those 13.5hr days, and tomorrow will be longer. The Ambassador had practice tonight and will tomorrow, but after I drop him off tomorrow, I will be driving three hours west to crash at a hotel. Then tomorrow, I’ll do state assessment audits, and turn around and drive home. Thursday is work again, of course, and then we’re meeting with V. Friday is work and … well hell. There’s something going on Friday night, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. Ah well, I’ll figure it out eventually, right?
