Tag Archive: insanity
All I can say is “thank god for Kh.” She and I had a spontaneous bitch session tonight, and while it doesn’t solve everything, it did take the edge off. There is something about being able to tell her what was going through my head at the moment, the frustrations that I was feeling about where my emotions were, and to let go of the guilt that those emotions brought up. Not only was she in the same mental place at the time, so she understands exactly what I’m feeling, but the catharsis was so helpful. It definitely helped me to at least start the process of clearing out my head.
I told T the other night that lately my soul feels as atrophied as my knee. It sounds trite, I know. But somehow it fits. It’s like when you go too long being a couch potato and eating a cruddy diet, and your whole system feels sluggish and weighted; that’s how I feel spiritually. I need to fix this, and it needs to be sooner rather than later. I started with downing more water, doing some stretching and some core work last night, dragging my mind back into meditation, and eating better at work today — it’s not much, but you gotta start somewhere.
This weekend is supposed to have perfect weather, and while I have got to get my tail in gear to do the Professor’s dress for her Feis in June, the kayak is calling. I am craving that time alone like a junkie craves crack. Above all of the other things I need to do for my own emotional health, that is priority one. It’s cheap therapy — $8 gets me 4 hours on the lake to ponder the world, listen to music, take pics of heron and deer, and use the water to either glide along in peace, or cut it like a knife with as much power and aggression as I can exert. There is nothing like that time for me, and it has been way too long since I’ve had it.
I do need to lay out a more tangible plan and get myself back on track; I am cognizant of this. However, it’s going to have to wait for a few days. Today was one of those 13.5hr days, and tomorrow will be longer. The Ambassador had practice tonight and will tomorrow, but after I drop him off tomorrow, I will be driving three hours west to crash at a hotel. Then tomorrow, I’ll do state assessment audits, and turn around and drive home. Thursday is work again, of course, and then we’re meeting with V. Friday is work and … well hell. There’s something going on Friday night, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it is. Ah well, I’ll figure it out eventually, right?
Yeah, ok, not so much. I mentioned last week about effing up the Vienna Teng tickets for when Minna was here. We got tickets for the Norfolk show instead (a bit more expensive, but it’s a bigger venue), and changed gears, but I still felt pretty bad. It meant that my sister would have to scramble a little with work, since she said she’d work Sunday and not Saturday after planning on the Oriental Show. Vienna’s manager was fantastic; she emailed me and said that she and the venue reps would try to help if we couldn’t make Norfolk, but it wound up that we could. When we got there, not only did Vienna talk to us from the stage (asking us if we had made it and then where we drove from, thanking us for coming, etc), but Alex mentioned that the airline lost half of his instruments the day before such that the Oriental show wasn’t nearly as good because he was without a lot of his stuff. Well cool!
End result — the concert was phenomenal, all 5 of us had a blast, we all got pics with Vienna and some of us with Alex too, we bought Paper Raincoat’s CD, had Chinese take-out at 11:30 at night, and generally laughed ourselves silly all weekend. I’m sad for Vienna Teng’s fans that she is semi-retiring, but thrilled for her that she got into her grad school program of Eco-Business at the University of Michigan. She sets a really, really good example for young people *cough*my kids*cough* that even though you can achieve a dream, it doesn’t mean the journey is over. It just means that there are more dreams to be chased. So best of luck, Vienna, from your loyal fans in NC.
Hanging out with Minna was so much fun. She fit right in with our wild, weird, non-traditional family seamlessly, without hesitation. It was very cool. We did a lot of hanging out and talking, which was good for both of us, and she got to see the Ambassador play soccer, something that he was just ecstatic to have happen. They lost the game, but we still had a good time, and he loved the fact that she was there. The Scientist had been gone on an annual geocaching trip, but he got home on Sunday and got meet the famous Minna as well. All in all, a really fun weekend.
I’ve been seriously messed up lately, and I’m not entire sure of the origin. My first thought is the obvious — a lack of solitude. I’ve had almost no time alone lately, and that takes its toll on me very quickly, but man, my tolerance for drama and emotional shenanigans (I love that word) has just been non-existent. It isn’t one specific person, or any one incident, per se, it’s just a general sense of, “Grow up and stop acting like a fucktard or leave me the hell alone.” I know, not very conducive to bonding with anyone, right? I’ll get a snippet of time alone next week when I have to travel for work. I have a 3-hour drive each way, which will be good for me, and an overnight in a hotel. Unfortunately, my time constraints on either side do not allow for any leisure time, despite the fact that I have lived here for 14 years and never spent time in this phenomenal city. But I’ll get back there; no doubt. It’ll be added to the list of Places to Go for my short jaunts with Alejandro. So far on this year’s as-yet-unplanned-list, we have Charleston, Asheville, and quite possibly a return trip to Assateague. That last one’s a little long for a weekend, but the idea of sitting on the beach while wild horses wander by, content to let me photograph them, may well be too much for me to resist.
Only problem with that list is that I have already agreed to make Charleston a trip that’s got people with me, and after hearing about Assateague and seeing my previous pics, I’m not sure I’d get up there again without the Scientist and the kids stowing away in the car. And really, it isn’t that I don’t enjoy their company. I just crave solitude more and more as the world around me gets more chaotic and stressful. I had planned a therapy session in the kayak this weekend (the doc cleared me so long as I follow a few simple rules, which I do!), but the weather looks to be cruddy so it may get scrapped.
Saw the cardiologist again the other day; my blood pressure is down enough that if this new drug works, he’ll leave me alone for a year. That would be ideal, of course, so I’m giving the new drug the requisite two weeks to settle the blood pressure and the upped dose of the old one to settle the arrhythmia and we’ll go from there. He said he’d see me as often as I felt I needed to come in, and then laughed and said that he didn’t know why he even said that. He also said that while he rechecks the blood pressure of 99.9% of his patients at the end of the appointment, he wasn’t even going to try with me. I cracked up and agreed that it was most likely pointless.
I’m still toying with the idea of staying on with the shrink for a bit, even after the Scientist and I quit going for the “us” thing. A traditional marriage is a tough thing to make work; a non-traditional one can sometimes be even harder. On the one hand, there are different expectations, and sometimes fewer, but on the other hand, sometimes it’s hard to define the parameters that confine either or both of our thought processes. Handling some situations can be confusing, and it’s hard to see where the blurred boundaries are when we’re both trying to see the same issue from different perspectives. Again, I realize that some of that comes through in a traditional marriage as well, but I think that sometimes the “givens” that are in a traditional marriage can almost create a feeling of safety that non-trads don’t have. That probably makes no sense whatsoever, but it kinda works in my head. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of stress in my life, and I still spend a lot of time inside my own head. Travel keeps my sanity when I fear I’m losing it, but I’m not entirely sure if I’ve dealt with some of the past issues with Golden Boy or my father in the “correct way” if there is such a thing.
Interesting little tidbit from the strange labyrinth of my head – I’ve never made a secret that I have a huge crush on Ty Greenstein from Girlyman. I recently read a fantastic article in Slate magazine about the band, and while I was a smidgen peeved because the author of it had emailed me asking permission to use my photos of the band and then wound up not using them, I learned stuff about them that I never knew. One thing was that Ty has, in fact, been in a relationship with the band’s manager, Genevieve, for 14 years and next year, they are planning to have a child. Now, this information made me so happy for her/them! What a wonderful celebration of love and committment! But for some reason, while I felt joy for them both, it almost instantly erased my crush on her. Not like it killed it in a “ew” way, it made it vanish like it was never there in the first place. I still find her beautiful, and I still love her voice and her music, but that “crush” is no longer there.
Not that I would ever have a chance with her, or even have the inclination to do something about it if I did, really. My decade is nowhere near up, and while that came from a flippant conversation with Minna one night, I’m kind of happy to let it stand for now. We both refused to let the other one say “forever” and that was fair. But these days, my heart is so content to just be an entity unto herself, without the weight of someone else’s issues, that the “decade” actually seems like a viable option. Maybe not, who knows? But for now, it wouldn’t be fair of me to inflict my heart on someone else anyhow. =)
I need some new music to add to my Zune…anyone have recommendations for me?
Confessions of a Lousy Mom 
